I hate the sound of my own voice

I don’t talk a whole lot Most of the time I have taken up the idea of It is deeply ingrained. Though I do wonder if I hate it because when I think I stutter and then while I think that. My brain replays what I said in my head. Now that creates a feedback loop. I hear it twice. Then my annoyingly self conscious mind begins to wonder what those around me are thinking. It makes me seize up more. Boom I’m stuck. In reality I’m sure no one cares. The real issue is that I hear my voice so rarely that when I do hear what I really sound like, I can almost feel how the vocal cords are bending to make my own unique frequency of voice.

In order to truly control something you have train it. So that is what I did.. A few times at least. I read the first page of Harry Potter a couple times, My tongue got stiff in a few of the takes I also noticed that it is quite impossible for me to recite word for word. It is like my brain wants to just skip those words and give it a more human sound to it almost as if the way we write is not equal to that of human speech. It has to be perfect. But the real question is …..

Is it?

I just read the first paragraph outed close to a nightmare of everything sizing up boom here we go round two here we go .

Is thinking about things bad?

You’ve probably had those things that you watch or play and they are so profoundly deep that you think and you think on it. It goes deep. There are so many different to interpret it you could probably take a course on it and still have more to learn afterwards. So what do you do in those situations? Well for starters I think it’s great to watch films that make you think or see part but I also think it is great to watch lighter things to give your mind a break. But when you do think about it I do think it would be best to think about it for a few days and then move on to the next things.\

So not in moderation.

Set the hope for new things.

I think a big thing that everyone worries about is wether or not what they are doing is right, it is a constant confusion. That has been me for a good amount of time now I look at my past and I think hey, maybe I could have done things better. I mean maybe that’s the curse of hindsight. Like, hey I could have done this better or this or that or whatever it is that you may be worried about. Because you now possess a god like view perhaps now knowing hoe others felt or what it is they knew in the time. I am not going to pretend that I am good at that, in fact my mind is prone to obsessively look at the past.

“No, I totally did this wrong, god I can feel it,” Those deep breaths of worry, even as I type this, my fingers reuse up as if they want to claw at the the past and do things right in my minds eye or something. But I guess the important thing is to constantly move forward. Keep moving forward as Disney famously coined. Deep breath -inhale- Okay we’re good I think -exhale-

The first step for fighting depression….

I believe that the first step in for fighting depression is actually to admit that you have it or are feeling that way. It makes me think back about a film that came that was called the Babadook, and one of the things about the monster that was especially terrifying was the whole idea that the more you pretend it isn’t there, the stronger it will become so if you are feeling that way admit it and begin the battle proper. You can do it!

The art of perspective

So  I was thinking about life last night, I was writing my stories in the middle of the night, and shortly after a few minutes I got moderately sidetracked and found myself drifting back to Facebook.  I saw some people acting sad and others who were happy, and at the moment I was not feeling the most comfortable…

I mean heck I have cerebral palsy, and that can get me down on some days, so as I was looking at my friends doing all kinds of fantastic physical activities, (though technically from my perspective the ability to jump is the coolest thing ever), and I was sad. But then out of nowhere, a memory came flooding back to me.

I was with a big group of people, probably 150 or so, and we were doing a sort of, look at all of us together, for the after-school program.  At a certain  point, everyone was asked to jump up in the air with our hands up.  That was something I couldn’t do so I did the next best thing I could think to do at the time… I smiled and tried to look my best.

After I first saw the picture, I was embarrassed as everyone else was seemingly floating, and for some time I was self-conscious. But eventually, I started to see how it was all funny in a way because I saw it now was like this, I was the one grounded so that the rest would not fly away into the sun! I even later went on to others about this, and it made them laugh too, I mean nobody is perfect, so sometimes it is best to dance with your flaws and make something fresh out of it!

Having a Dream…

Today happens to Martin Luther King Jr. day, and that got me thinking about him. As silly as it may sound, (or perhaps it is cliched) he had a dream and then acted on it, and I think that pretty accurately depict what you and I are trying to do with our lives.  I mean if you think about, this man had to do his very best to fight those around him because they did not all believe in what he did.  There were those who followed him but he pushed push ever harder to get what he wanted.

Now, this is something that happened to me when I was much younger.  Walking has never been an easy thing for me, with cerebral palsy being a pretty significant factor in my life but apparently, some doctors took, one look at me and said, “Get that kid a wheelchair he’ll  never walk.

Could you imagine, if my parents said oh okay forget trying and pushing yourself, sit in the wheelchair.  Now I don’t know every single person’s experience with cerebral palsy, but there are going to be times when people look at you and say that there is no way you are going to be able to particular things and it’s up to up to you to prove them wrong. And then maybe laugh at them as you walk around not needing a wheelchair.  But the critical part of all is to push yourself because you will undoubtedly be better off with a push in the right direction!




Disabilities and other fun things

You’ve probably seen some movies….  the ones that seem to go out of their way to portray the teen life in high school.  Those moves always feel off to me in a way,  And well I’m going to try to explain it.  Maybe you’ll find it to be an exciting thing to hear about, well, either way; you never know until you try.

So it went like  I was watching the movie “Edge of Seventeen” (My thoughts on the film itself may come later) and I was continuously thinking about how odd it was that these characters were doing all these crazy things.  I mean crazy more like going out solo to parties or heck going swimming and hanging out with friends.  I know, super wild, right?

I couldn’t put the finger on why I never did much in my recently ended high school career, so I continued watching while that thought continued to burrow itself into the back of my mind.  After about another twenty minutes of the film passing by. It hit me quick, “Oh yeah I have cerebral palsy.

The main reason I bring it up like this is that up until this point you didn’t know that I had a disability at all.   That is all well and good if you meet someone with a disability there is a good chance that they are there mentally yet unable to do some physical things, and quite honestly to me, that is probably the weirdest thing about the whole thing. I don’t think about it usually because mentally I am just like everyone else

I suppose the whole point I am making with this post is that despite having a disability it is best not to compare yourself to others because well you are not someone else. And sometimes that’s hard to accept, I know from personal experience that at times the disability does get to me at times but as I have always thought, take what you have and do your best with it.